i also feel so terrible about dan... I can't help it. It's not my fault... i just feel i could be doing so much more. Kenna was talking about getting her blood tested to see if she could donate platletes to dan.... i think i want to do that too. I mean, I hate needles, but i really want to do something that will help dan directly, not jus make him feel better. I am still going to do that though... i'm going to make him some shirts...get him some books and magazines to read(it has to be so boring) maybe make a video for him.... you know, stuff to keep him occupied and happy. let him know we miss him and still care for him even though he's gone.

I was so upset yesterday when i found out that he had already been moved to texas and we were to late to visit him. My dad was so incredibly mean to me. He told me i was being lame(in the incredibly critical way he does) about every 3 minutes. it made me so mad. And when I finally told him why i was workig slowly, i began to cry, and so i stopped. But then he said it would be making me work faster if i really wanted to go see Dan. What an ass. My dad needs couseling. I need counseling because of him. I am so frustrated with my life right now... I dont want to be in my house all the time all summer, but thats whats going to happen. I'm such a loser.... but i'm going to fix that... but i dunno how.

wow, what a crappy end to a crappy week. it's been nothing but studying, worrying, and all out crappyiness. I've been sickly, but i dont get sick. it's june, people dont get sick in june, especially people who don't get sick. It's also been really cold and crappy. It's southern most part of So. Cal. wtf? I swear... everything just gets worse and worse.... I'm not even excited that i have no more school. today was the last day...... whoot....>> or whatever.

It's latly that i've relized how truly insignifigant and pointless my friendships really are. i have come to the conclusion that i have only a few truly good friends i even care to go do stuff with them. Kenna all the way, we've been through so much. She's been my best friend since 5th grade. Thats 6 or so years. I don't know more that a handful of people i can say i've know for longer than that. Roy, he is so super awsome. I love to talk to him and I'm glad hima nd Kenna are together. Chrys, she is one of my most favorite people ever. I always have so much fun when I'm around her. I'm really just sorry I'm not less timid so i could do more with her. Everyone else, either is too unknown to me, or I really dont want todeal with them. An these are people I'm thinking in terms of who i'm going to bother to keep in touch with after i go away for college, if I go away. I've only just finished my sophmore year.... but i can't wait ot leave now. I want to be done with all of this. School is a joke, it is so meaningless it isn't even amusing.

wow. today i found out that Dan has leukemia. Cabin boy..... wow. I can't believe it. I feel so horrible. It ruined my whole day, i've been so ucky all day. He's like, one of the greatest people ever. He's always so totally happy, and grateful, and stuff. Although he's often quite oblivious and naive, all the time. But that's what makes him him and we dont want to change him. We were just getting used to him having to move.... and now he's got cancer. He doesn't deserve it. He's so much better than that. I know it's curable and he'll be fine because they caught it within the first two months... but i can't help but be sad.

had a bad chem final. didn't finish. yeehoo.

aieee..... i came home all depressed today, i dont know why. End of the year, and i feel i've done apsolutly nothing. I have so many regrets, but i'm only 16, i shouldn't have any. Ah well, such is life. But i dunno..... whatever.

Roy called today. It made me happy, it's always nice to talk to him. He talks to me about kenna and stuff, and i can talk to him a litte about stuff too. He's easy to talk to, like Becky. I like talking to her too. They always maek me feel better. For some reason i feel i can talk to them more than other people i'm close too.