Billy Graham, babbling old bastard. I really do not liek my dad right now.... i was hoping to never say:"Hey, I was there before that old guy died! He preached, and i listened!" and so the self loathing begins. I really can't stand me anymore. it's harder and harder every day. I can't belive i can't just pick up a phone and talk to someone. I wish i could, i know i know people who would stop what they were doing to listen to me, but i just can't. i am so screwed up! i really am at a self hating point right now.... i've lost all social abililties. even with friends whome i've know since i was 9. how sad is that? it makes me wanna cry. i know i'm missing so much...but i can't help it. i liked it better when i never did anything with anyone except at school. i was happy, and content being like that. but now i can't. it makes me so mad! I hate everything around me, but i love the people. I want to keep themwith me, but i push them away, and i dont even know how. I try not to let them leave, but i dont want to over whelm them and make them want me to leave. i'm so sad right now.... i want to talk to some poeple, but i dont know where they are.......

when people knew about this journal, i got it all spiffed up. i got a tag board, and a little comment thingy. but nobody used them. nobody cared. I look at my other friends who have web journals with a comment section to each post, and they always have one, or many commetns. i never got a single one. no, thats a lie, i had one, but she was just seeing if the thing worked. i've closed myself off from everyone. and now i wanna cry.

i have issues. yeehaw.

i want to tell people stuff.....really i do. but i just can't i dunnno why. WHY!?! i wanna know, so if you find out, please tell me. i would also like to do things. but it's like: "Hey I should talk to them...but i'm not gonna. oh well, they'll talk to me if they love me, eh." eh? thats how everything ends with me. "eh." wtf? there's something wronge with me. and other people will contact me if they love me? but i love them and i'm not doing a damn thing! oi...i need to resolve issues with someone. but i can't. i dont like to talk to people about stuff, and so nothing ever happens. i occasionally tell kenna stuff, but only when we run of of stuff to talk about about other peoples problems. it seems like I talk to everyone about everyone else problems. it's great, no body ever asks or, i guess they would have to to get anything out of me, PROD. but hey, i'm a loser. a text book loser. i try to write, or type, or anything to try and understand what i'm thinking and stuff, but it's like i'm speaking becky in my had and all of a sudden i'm forgotten how to speak it. why? i can't ever write properly. my writings suck. i can't do poems. i've been trying that latly, an the most successful one was about the phone. phone? geez... i'm lame. but it's mostly because i can't express myself. i can't finish stuff, ever. my enddings and conclusions are always open, and confusing, and you know i ment to write more. thats why my poems continue forever. infact, the only poems that actually finish are the ones i wrote in 4th and 5th grade for class, the one's i was forced to share with everyone else. I have a poetry journal coming up in english, and i was hoping to use some of my own material. but thats not likely to happen. my stuff is shit, man. but i dunno..

i think i might have finally figured out what my problem is, i dont what to be a burden to poeple. i expect them to open up to me, and tell me their problems, but i wont do the same in return. I'm like a puppy, i'm there to make you feel better when your mad or sad, or scared, but if it happens to me it's too bad, because nobody can make out my gibberish even if they wanted too. but i just read something a close friend of mione wrote...even though it was a while back, but it made me feel better. just to know i'm not the only one. but what makes me really sad is that i will never tell her....i want to, but theres my whole i dont tell people thing. i hate it!!!!! make it stop!T.T but eh......and there it is again!!!!! that "eh," or 'whatever" feeling i get! i hate it, kenna said paxel would make me better. she thinks i might have social phobia. yeehaw to that. i hate the way i do things, i need to go away for a month, then come back and start over. that would make me happy.

Hah! I have an arch-nemisis! Yay me! I'm the only one with a side kick i think... YAY!

Chrissey- "The Chrys"; arch-rival and nemisis to Meg Wench
Matt-"Churro Man";arch rival to Strong Bad Man and Stiney
Me-"Mega Wench"; super hero extrodinair/also know as "The Skank"
Dan-"Cabin Boy"; side kick to Mega Wench/catch phrase: "Bobbing barnicles!"

oh we have fun....yes we do. this is what we do for fun. make pretend we're super heros, and go into great detail. over a period of months. Yee-haw!><

Matt was back at school...that was happy. Swim team was not. Lunch was fun. School was not. and kenna has decided i have a social anxiety dissorder. whoot.

my blogger hates me!!>< but thats okay... i still love it anyways...

there was serious lackage of matt today. really, chrys and i have no idea what to do whne he's not there. how tragic will that be next year when he graduates!? we might be forced to find someone else! no! blasphemy!...but yeah.. i'm done now.

i feel all not happy......i dun lie it. make it stop!

and you know that notebook i've talked about.....? well i have. and have had it for 3 days. and as of yet, there is nothing in it. i told you so. i know i did.

or mebbe not, i dunno. but, whatever.

guess where i should be? not here! and i've been all depressed today... show my parents! they've been hating life today... it's great. I'm all privleg-y now. I took disappoinment wel, according to my mum. Yay that, but everything else sucks. I think i'm done now. everybody ignore this post. now, turn away, go, shoo. *poof!* be gone.

i feel like crap. i was supposed to go to disneyland with chrys and matt today, but i can't. too short notice for my parents and i didn't have enough info. but i feel really bad. they sounded kinda bummed. but i dunno what to type or say or anything. i understand why i can't go and i'm not mad at my parents.... i just, dunno. i feel like shit for some reason. really, really shitty. but i can't do anything about it..... so i'm just gonna sulk in my room. i don't want to talk to anybody right now.... i can't think of anything to say. As far as i know i'm not even that disappointed about not going... but i guess i am if i can't control myself right now...... so fuck. yay world, i hate you!

yesterday roy and i went shopping for kennas birthday which is next saturday. i got her two posters, because she has ugly empty walls, a head band because she can't do crap with her except spike it now, a hershey's kiss shirt, and a pretty lanturn thing. I also got myself a pretty journal to write stuff in, but the papers too nice for me to write in it..... but i guess i will anyway.

and then last night i went and saw X2 with Matt. It was a good movie, i liked it lots. But i'm a sucker for those movies......eh. i had fun last night, i like spending time with matt. he's fun.^^