le sigh

eh, i'm so tired. it makes me sad, i really miss polo and i feel i'm excluding myself, and it's not a good feeling.

so, this kinda bugs me. a friend or person might be having problems(i'm not talking about anyone, this is just something i've been contemplatling about some of us for a while), they seek counsel fromt heir friends, or their friends volutarily try to help them out. thye may or may not choose to take this advice to heart, depending on it's realativity or usefulness. usually, doubtless of wheather or not the knowledge is helpful, counsel from another being, usually someone they dont know or dont know well, is taken more seriously. to me, it makes more sense to listen to xomeone you can trust. i know it's not to hear things from people who are biased, but on very important matter i think it is more beneficial to listen to your friends more than strangers. this may just be me. but it kind of irks me, i have given some people some really good cousel, but they completly ignor it because the believe i dont "understand" what they're going through because i've never. which is a bunch of bullshit. i can sympathize and understand with the best of them regardless of weather i've been through the actual event myself. in most cases i have, but being very secluded, i dont let this be common knnowledge. so these people tell me that i have no idea what i'm talking about because i've never felt it and i have. it's a real pisser. Most people only listen to what they want to hear, and so ignore me. Others dont want to liten to what they want to hear and want the opposit. but whatever i seem to give these people as adviced, it is not taken serioisly. however, if said by another peoson, either more "elevated" in status, or a complete stranger, the same opinion is taken more seriously.

it really bothers me that people think i live in another world, because i dont. just because i dont suffer from parental abuse doesn't mean i can't sympathize with you because of it. i've never had ssex with someone, but that doesn't mean i wont understand the bond between those two persons. and excetera. it really, really makes me miffed. really. but whatever, i guess it doesn't matter to people what comes out of my mouth because it's not intellegent. i understand that, i try really hard to study, and do my best in life but always i'm done up by someone who is far less qualified or dumb or annoying or weaker or "more experienced" or less experianced and so on and so forth. i dont understand it, is there something about me that says "i can't unnderstand no matter what you say?"

i admit i have few problems, you want to know why? it's not because i have such a "privlegded" life, i live in poverty up until a few years ago. i've moved around more than most navy brats ever do in a lifetime. i have more mental problems and addictions and physical deformities running in my family than most 3 people can add up too. i dont like to tell people because i dont want that attention. but why do i seem to be full of few prblems? firstly, i dont invovle people unless it's something i think they can help me with. secondly, i deal with it, i dont jsut let it hang above me like some huge, hanging thing. honestly. some of you are gonna says "hey, you dont know, it's not that easy." damn straight it's not. but i suck it up and i deal with it. it's not an easy thing, but nothing is that easy. i've also developed a system for dealing with things. it helps me to analyz everything, and break it down, and then it doesn't seem so bad. and if it still seems that bad, then i do something about it. i dont have a perfect life like everyone around me seems to think, the is also a real pantiy buncher. i hate it, and i hate the people who assume so. i also hate people who try to make their problems seem as bad as mine, or whoever is in a crisis.

i have a lot more things i can rant and rave about here if i wanted to, but i have decided that i dont need to right now. it will not be beneficial to me.this may upset or not upset a few people and i dont really care because this is how i feel and how isee things from my point of veiw. i just wish for 5 minutes someone could think like i do, because i honestly dont think many people do, but then i am glad because thats how i keep my sanity is knowing that nobody thinks like me.

i've been thinking of that peom chrys read to me yesterday, and what i said about it. After she read it Chrys told me it was a man who was "Mr. Perfect" and then killed himself and her question was "why did he do it?" But i dont think the peom is about a perfect person at all. I think it was about a person who had the illusion about him that he was perfect, everyone about him thought so, but he wanted to prove he was and therefore killed himself. Or it could be about someone who was just different and it was his way of proving so. eh, something to think about.

speed throughs, mmmmm.

yeah. had the asvap, that was intersting. meh. then we had a speed through. meh. i'm too tired to think.. or write. bleh.

wow

okay, so my face literally hurts right now, dont know why. the pain.

asvap tomorrow! now the military will never give up til i'm dead or a marine!(only the coast guard for me!) hahahaha... fun stuff.

rehersal was painful tonight. we've never really "worked" on our lines, but there was ms. howell, so we ha too. it was interesting, because I had never learned my lines by myself before, and so when i learneed them with the person i was doing the scene with, we're discover our characters together, and it's be all good. But i learned them by myself, so they were just lines. but we finally got it together... after julio tried to sever my hand from my arm. i was amused when he squirmed when i had to rub his leg. otherwise... pretty normal day.

until i got home! aparently,the athletic director doesn't want me to play polo unless i'm "dedicated". bastard, i have to choose between polo and drama. my answer? polo, of course, they will not take that away from me, i wont let them. it pisse me off so much, i meant, hell, the play opens next week. it's just plain jack-assery. aurgg! oh well, i'm dealing with it all tomorrow with the ever-so-pleasant Mrs. mcDonald. She likes me, so it'll work out.

owch, my squidle-sqooch.

stuff hurts, but nothing doesn't! i am so boring today, my face hurts. kenna and I decided to play questions, we both failed miserably. then we decied that i am now going to start saying savy, and she sabes. go us, otherwise, today was really boring. ha. i win.

i am so friggin beat!

but before i delve into that uncharted playground, lret me first state that i got my first x-mas present today, and it rocked. it rocked like a pirate. it makes me happy.^^ It's a manga called "Gunslinger Girl", which, from the title wouldn't soud like something i would like. but firstly the art is really pretty. and the story is really good, and i really enjoyed it. this is my informal thank you card to you, chris, for getting me this awsome present.^^ you'll eventually get a real one, after x-mas break.

okay, i am so un-able to carry on right now. costumes are a mess, yet slowly coming together. play, again, a mess and yet slowly coming together. polo, a tragety in itself, and not so much of the coming together. that makes me sad. school, a mess, and slowly falling apart. (w00t! except not)honestly, i am getting all my homework during winter break done the first two days i have. i cannot deal with any more of this crap, i need a break and god-damnit i'm gonna get it.

oh, and for any who care, i have a wish list up here. lokk at it if your confused, mebbe it will help. the only two guys i'm worrying about for x-mas are shane and chris, both are getting pies, and i'll probly buy and/or make chris something else..... roy can wait until after break for me to go out and get him something. everybody who is male is just getting cookies! whoo~

T-T

the sig fred made me!!! it's so awsome!!!(if it doesn't work, i'll fix it.)

urg, made dad came ontp my computer and shut down all my windows, bastard. meh.

last night i spent the night at kenna's with robin and becky. zack flashed robinand i his pre-pubecent(according to robins) balls, and we was scared. it hurt my face. later we were looking at his maxims... they were really funny. i made a pretty picture at kennas house. it made me smile.^^