Gah!!!!>< I am so incredibly mad at shane right now.....>< So then The Chrys and i went to go look for it because she's super cool like that.......... We asked pretty much everyone in the office, except mrs. colman, why didn't we ask her? She wasn't there. I am so supre angry...... GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>> Shane will burn...... he will burn very much.

ON a happier note, we did the video conference with New York today. it was great. They wrote a scene about me, but they thought I was a dude, and a very girly, or gay one. it was great!!! THey even talked about Kenna and Chrys, and they had a character made after Matt!!! it was so cool. I have to tell him. It so awsome.

yay! i'm home alone for the night! Dad, mom and brother are in the desert for my uncles change of arms and I'm not! Why? I have a super-duper final tomorrow!!!!!! Yeah!(never, ever, EVER, thought i'd say i was happy to have a final, but i am.)

There has been general crappyness with me latly. I can't really figure out why. but I have. i was hangin' with my friends today.... mostly kenna, robin and shane, with alittle bit of neighbor matt. i was having fun.... but it didn't mean anything. it was really weird. i dont know how to describe it... like i've outgrown them? i dunno.. i dont think it's thats easy. but i just feel weird..... like the way i am isn't good enough for myself..... or something. I'm still very eh, but now I'm feeling the need to talk to people about stuff that matters, but i have such a communication barrier, it's really weird.

right now, i should be doing some very much needed work, but i am not. I'm bitchin' here. tryin' to get on aim to talk to anybody.... and i just want to be content again... like I was 3 months ago, right after i got over my not having the friends i needed. Or in middle school.... where i didn't feel so secluded.

I am very good at lots of things, but once I am, and I know it, I get cocky, and careless..... and then I'm not good at it ever again. I was so good driving yesterday.... and then I wasn't. It made me so angry.... It's like that with so many other things, water polo, drawing, violin, writing..........anything mostly. This scares me. I dont' want to be a bad driver. I want to be able to draw as a living. I love water polo and I have to be the best. I want to take up the violin again.. or maybe piano? But most of all I don't want to be a bad actor..... that would kill me. I'm trying so hard there........ and it seems to me i'm getting no where. It makes me wonder whats wrong with me? But then i know there's something wrong with everyone... and it makes me mad. I hate being in a large group...part of everybody else. I dont want to be like everybody else. I want to be me, but I want to be so much more. And it depreses me because for some reason i feel the last two years of my life have been wasted, and i dont really know why. i want to talk to someone... and i'm afraid if i dont do so soon i accidently tell the wrong person.

i have relized that i am depressed. i think it's mostly because i feel i have wasted most of my time at school doing stuff that really wasn't worth it*cough*ART!!!><*cough* I took that my freashman year instead of drama.... and now i really regret it. I mean, i really didn't get anything out of that class except some really nice art that i wasn't even givin the proper praise for. They were, if not the best in the class, at least in the top 5. But i never got better than an 8(equivalent to a B-) and it pisses me off. I'm a damn good artist, but when i dont get the proper inspiration, or credit it royally pisses me off and makes me not feel like doing it any more. and then that makes me pissed off. wtf? I hate it. I loved my art classes with Billy... they really were good for me and i enjoyed them and got a lot out of them. I said I'd be back in a month.... that was 10 months ago. 0.o oops. I've been planning on going back...but just kinda haven't. I want to draw more... but can't. Why? I have not fucking idea. And that ticks me off. Really.



But anyway, instead of taking an art class that was taught out of a book(a BOOK! you cannot teach art out of a book!) And it was complete crap....really it was. I could have spent that time in drama(Which i enjoy, so it wouldn't matter if i didn't get anything out of that. i hated my art teacher, and still believe she knows nothing. Whereas i have great respect for my drama teacher, and like her very much.) I'm going into advanced drama next year..... i will be in plays, and i will have fun!>< I am also not dealing with any sport but water polo now. seriously, i cannot stand the people in the other sports, how they act or behave.



But thats just me blowing steam.... i really like my friends, even though i dont think i hang out with them enough. but theres not much i can do about that. I never do anything, and they never invite me to do stuff. eh. oh, and my computer died, or at least it's modem. it makes me sad....it has almost NO purpose now.........none. T.T

went to chrys' movie night on saturday. aparently kenna and i are the only one's with a sense of time. everyone else was at least 45min to an hour late. Before they all showed up, i asked chrys who was coming, she said everyone and their boyfriend. consequently, nobody showed up with their boy friend. It was Travis, Becky, Kenna, Tomas, Chrys and I. We had fun, we watched The Birdcage. It was great, super fun.

Then yesterday my mom took me driving(or i took her driving?) I got a good 1 1/2 of driving experience. Went all the way out to clantee. it was fun stuff.