i've been all crappy all day. and i really don't know why this time. i'm over the matt thing....but like, thats so not it. i think i just can't take swim team people anymore. they piss me off. partly because they're always talking about how becky's a quiter because she didn't come back to swim team, bastards. hippocritical, half of them don't show up, they work half-assed, and if they didn't have to come back, they wouldn't. ANd they always refer to her "6th period class" as 'that acting stuff'. And i'm standing right there. And they all KNOW i was just in a play with her. They blame the play for her dissapearance, i know they do. And I lothe them for it. They all know I'm doing that 'acting stuff' next year, and they say it to me right there! I apsolutly hate them! So very much.. and they get on my nervs. I swear, Katie asked me the same damn question 20 times after i had answered her. I really can't stand them, at all. And now i'm angry, whoo-hoo. fuck.

today has been fun.

we had city conference...i did the 200 IM. i got a 2:55:59,one second away from my best time ever! But i inhaled some water in my last 7 yards of butterfly, owch. but i won my heat, coolness. i haven't done that in 9 years. sweetness. BUt i was swooning and about ready to K.O. afterwards..... not good. But now i'm on Stacy's good side. yeehaw.

and i've had an aura of foreboding since the bon fire...... havn'yt been to happy. was even less happy when i found i couldn't talk to kenna about it. not that she wouldn't listen, or was unavailable, i just couldn't make myself do it. i don't like that. but anyway..i finally got to really talk to matt... kinda. and we're kinda done. just hanging outness. that'll be weird for me for a while... but, eh. I'll be fine. i'm just weird like that.

dude, at the bon fire, there was roy and kenna's new friend travis. who, according to shrys looks excedingly like her friend sean, we had to fins out his last name today. i think she has a crush.^.^ it's so sute. but i haev to say, she doens't have the greatest ablility in people to like....not that their bad...they just lack being what she needs. but hey, at least she likes people.

i've almost sorted everythign out, i mean, i have. i just kinda...need to tell someone. thats the hard part. damn.

accordin to my turtle mood necklace thing, i am blue, with a lil purple deformity, a swirl of turquiose, and discolored cuspe. i wonder what that means? Somebody tell me!! i wanna know! i never know...... i'm the last to know.

kenna's birthday was yesterday. it was a bonfire, it was fun. i went early to snag a pit at la jolla, but there wasn't any.(we went at 11:00, and the party wasn't til 6!!!><) i got a major sun burn on the back of my legs. whoop. i had fun, it was great. we did end up getting a fire pit at 9:00, when a croud left with their mass amounts of children. it was fun. creepyness, almost everybody pared up. with the exception of chrys, travis who is slightly gay aparently, samantha b., and kevin who already has a girl friend who was not there. Zack sat on sela's lap, and dan(cabin boy) got with betsy. it was cute.

but i'm kinda bummed now. i finally got to talk with mastt last night, after like, not doing so for days. but now i dont feel any better. but it's not his fault, it's mine. i'm mad at me. i can't express myself, and it makes me mad. he's trying to get me to talk...and i can't seem to. i really dont like my self. i really wanna get help, but i can't. thats part of my problem. i feel so bad... and people can tell. But i just tell them i'm tired, not feeling well, an that my sun burn hurts. even though all of thats true, it's not the reason for how i'm feeling and acting. i wish i could just tell people how i feel..... i mean i can't even do that with kenna, or my mom. and i feel horrible for that too. last night chrys complained that she was the only one of us four(Her, myself, robin and kenna) who wasn't with someone. but she's not gonna be alone soon.....i hate to say it, i wish i could do something, but it's like every time i prepare my self to actually do it.....my brain shuts down and i can't think.