i'm crying on the outside

basically, my mom just told me she doesn't expect more than a C in any of my classes as long as i learn the stuff. i have a huge head-ach and the asprin gave me heartburn. v.v she spent about 20 mintues explaining to me why i shouldn't worry, and just learn and not worry about grades because i can't be good at everything. but the thing is i'm not very good at anything. i'm in AP spanish and i dont understand one word my teacher says to me ever, I have a C- in his class, and i have apsolutly no idea what the hell is going on ever. my english teacher is an idiot and has no idea what she's doing. And it all makes me cry. literally.

Ever since I moved to San Diego i haev been an average student. average, and i hate that word no matter how cliche it is. i loathe it with a passion. I have always been the dumb kid here, where everyone was smarter than me, quicker than me, witty-er than me and brighter than me. People wont even let me wallow in my stupidity and sorrow. I'm trying my best and it's not good enough. It's never good enough.

A dream of mine has been, for a very long time, since I moved here I think in 3rd grade, to haev a teacher, any teacher, say in front of the class what a good job I've done, how immpressed they were with me, and how surprized. And all i've ever gotten was: "You didn't quite grasp the concept," "You went off on a tangent", "You never finnish your thougths." Even if it was my most teasured piece of work ever done, it's not more than ok. ever.

I dont really understand why my expectations are so high, I've never had a perfect gpa, only once have i ever had above a B in math or spanish, I wasn't able to even understand my own language until my freashmen year, and now my mom says she doesn't care if i get great graes as long as i understand. and it's not good enough for me. I want just once to be the best, for 5 mintues, it would make me happy for such a long time. I'm increddibly tired of everything. I can't even not care if I dont get good grades. i want them so bad, to prove to people i'm not as dumb as i tell them i am. but i can't and i give 200%. i dont understand why i dont understand things. maybe i have some-sort of learning disability. my mom refses to let me think that. but maybe it's true, maybe i dont understand because my head doesn't work correctly and i need things in reverse, i dunno.

My cousin is dilexic, mebe i am too. I know i'm smarter than these people i know who have A's and B's in everything, and thats what makes it so hard, i know it. but i can't prove it. i am smarter than them but I'm not a test taker, never have been. I dont know how, I try so hard but always do bad even if i know whatever it is by heart. I can't even get thoughts out on paper, or type them.

I'm so tired of this life... not living, but the way i have. I hate most technology. Not the way you hate a person who has just shot your dog for no reason, but a hate that you know you'd be better off with out it. I would do better without computers, cars, and others. i'm sure i was born in the wrong time. I ant to be adventurous, but i'm afraid of everything. I dont want to be hree anymore, but i dont want to leave. I wish I could be somewhere else, not like another country, but like another realm, in a book, in a video game, in an rpg, from my head, anywhere. I dont like it here. There's something about me that makes me feel i shouldn't be here, like i was misplaced. When I was in middle school i used to close my eyes and hope really hard that when I'd open them i would be somewhere else, I'd be a pokemon master, or a sailor scout, or something of that nature, adn i would be to afraid to open my eye's again for fear that when i did i would still be here. And i always was. I always will be. Sometimes i wish i could run away, and live with some less advanced people, liek an indian tribe or something of that nature. but i'm too cowardly to do anything alone, i put to many restrictions o things, and i dont always thing for my self. Sometime's i think for everyone else. and i want ot be able to chang, but i dont know how.

argg...

dude, i got the exact part i didn't want in the play(granted, it's as lead as i'm gonna get, not that i particulaly want one) that i didn't even want to be in. Yay polo, boo Ugly Duckling. Boo. v.v eh, what can i do? I at least get to design my own dress, which rocks. yay for crazy asians, they make me smile. i had so much more to post, but i really forgot, yay me!

moe up-date-ness of huntington beach!

yeah, when we went surfing, the ocean left skid-marks on my mothers surboard. the ocean friggin' shat on my mom's board!!!!^^ i was amused. it was red tide, and i felt like i was swimming in paprica. yeehaw for swimmin' in spices!!!!

kenna and i just made the most awsome spanish presentation about Ohio. we rock, impossibly so.

and i'm pretty sure i've had suppressed dilexcia. i've been having problems with speling words latly. as is obvious. but it's simple words i should know, and it's just two letters being swiched around, and it's weird. i also substitute words for other words when my head can't sound them out. thats alwasy ben a priblem for me, but not overtly so. and it makes me smile. i dont know why.

and after watching this video here, i have decided i need a crazy asian boy friend, like my cousin, whose boyfriend looked strangly like the one's in the video....

is moe, is betta? fo' sho'.

T.T

so, as of today, i am totally left alone in my world of innocense, with only Julio to keep me company. And he's a freakish christian who is germaphobic and doesn't like people to touch him. and so, i am all by my self. completlly. i wanna cry, except not. like we were saying earilier, julio will not make it through drama with out seeing and ass, pot or boobs. hopefully drama will fix me too.

T.T

32048my mom just told me i missed Oprah with Queer Eye, and it makes me cry!!! i love them so much!!!!!><

mickey mouse had the hots for rae....

it was so true!!!!!!>< i was scared, but i'll get to that alter in the post.

so, i would like to star this ioff with say on the drive up to Huntington Beach i saw a condom emporium... very amusing. and then, i was watching a movie before we went to Disney land, and there was a guy who looked very much like joey... but with dreds. i was happy.

urg. at disney land, i wanted to get a pirate hat, and they embroidered stuff on it, and i wanted to get embroidered "MEGA WENCH"!!!!! but the stupid lady wouldn't let us.... biznach. so we left, and i eventually got one later to take home and put "Mega Wnech" on there myself with puffy paint. and i also bought the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrac.. yayness. and pins for robin, chrys, kenna and others......

we almost ate at Freds... unfortunatly it was a bar. but then my brother started talking about "bases" you know(couple-wise) and they(not me, my mom and rbother) discussed what everything was, and my brother said someting about a homerun, and then my mom said something about butt-sex, and i said grand slam(didn't hear what she said) and then my mommy said "Grand slam?! It's a fould ball!! They missed!" and i was scared for life. and that was my week end. more up-dates later maybe.