PS

Did I mention the dream where I got knocked up in last night? Yeah, super weird. Ask me about it sometime. It's totally worth it.

Pericles

Is where I'm at. Not doing much of anything at. Except getting yelled at by an ego-tripping crew-supervisor. But I'm doing a super job of ignoring her and doing a fantastic job anyway. That's right folks- I'm a rebel. w007!

Well, It's been one hell of a week so far, and will continue to be until at least next tuesday. I go non-stop until then. I've been waking up at 4:30, going to crew, then off to school at 8, then either to work at 3:30 or home for food and cloths at 4:30, then to Pericles cre at 5:30 and I've beens tuck here until 10. Then it's home, munch out, get somethings outta the way, brush my teeth grab junk for the morning, and then to bed it is for me! I need to be watching TV... weird huh? For PoliSci I gotta watch the news, and I just don't have time. Luckily he's letting me use newspapers instead; cool. When am I going to get3 days worth of those? Dunno. Got some late nights ahead of me I do. But its' cool. I let it all go this morning. Or last night. Somewhere in there. So even though I have all this stress and pressure, I really am not feeling it anymore. Wheather that's good or bad I can't tell; but I'malso not worried about it. :)

Even all thoughs things I was reeling from after talking to my mom moday, not reeling anymore. Letting it all go. Because all I want to do is yell at small children and get skin cancer. And I think I could fit some gutar in there as well.

We'll see how I feel when I get back from SAC on sun. I'm sure the stress will be a little different; and I'll undoubaly have more things to worrie about; but at least I'm in a good spot now.

Except I havn't a clue what I'm doing for a home next semester. Sounds familiar? Yeah; it is. But at least this time I'm not doing it because I'm afraid of who I'll get stuck living with. I'm doing it because I honestly don't know how to go about it my way or my parents way; adn there isn't a happy medium.

Butat this moment, I'm feeling good.

You know whats really frustrating?

Knowing that, while I am having issues paying bills and rent, I am stuck in a sucky job that I am way over qualified for adn could be making twice as much and work half as hard if I just went out and got a job I was meant for. But I dont because I have a preconceived notion of what they expect, and what they are goint to say so I just avoid it and take whatever crap I can just to scrape by. What kind of loser does this make me? The kind that hates paying these bills and worrying about not having food to eat. Thats the kind.

My life.

Is entirly too hectic. Classes now, classes next semester. Living situation now, living situation later. Carla here, Carla not here later. I seriously have not talked, and I mean talked to that girl in such a long time. It went from hanging out on a regular basis, once, twice, sometimes 3 times a week, one-on-one with that girl to now I only see her at crew and barelt speak a word beyond hello/good-bye. Wtf? I happened across her today on my way to Costume Lab, she was waiting for her Psych test to be over since she took it the week before and was eating an apple. So I sat and talked with her, definitly not enough time. Apparently she's been meaning to pull me aside and talk to me privatly. Things I wasn't aware of are afoot, and things I suspected are going down. Ivy and Allie and I are not the only ones who've gotten the dirty end of the Crew stick, or in our case, oar. It makes me sad that what happened to me and Ivy last year is now happening to her as well.... but I saw it coming. Favorites are played, and considerations for egos are taken into account. On the other hand she's getting what I got last year after her long absence as well. What comes around goes around, I suppose, but I dont want anyone to have to deal with the things I dealt and continually deal with. Neither one of us can affor it, and if there was another starboard, you can bet that I'd be booted in an instance as well. I know I don't so the second workouts, and I keep losing weight (too bad this wasn't the case last year) and my knees are shot to hell and I can't even take my supplements anymore because there is shellfish in it. I get that. But I'm aslo always at practice on time or early ready to go hell or high water (or in our case, increadibly so low that the dock is resting on the rocks) and I give what I can, which isn't always what they demand, but it's the best I can do. And lets not forget all the races that I havn't been in, and all the driving I've done and the gifts I've made and the pictures I've taken and the boats i've rigged/de-rigged alone because I wasn't in any boat and therefore was excluded from any pre/post-race meeting. Oh,and don;t forget all the money I spent on plane tickets and gas and wear-and-tear and unis and sweats and water and food and baking and restaurants and keeping my fat yap closed no matter how ridiculusly hard it is becuase I know, and the last thing I need people doing is stating the obvious to me. I'm short. I'm light. I'm damaged. I have an attitude. And I can't help but think that if I had been given even the slightest chance of coxing for reals, or someone took my side and said ehat they believed instead of going with the group that I would have given those other two girls a run for their money if not beat them fair-and-square. But I dont speak up. I pretend it doenst bother me. I act like it's an expectation, and stick around for any slack they need picked up. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of their attitude. I'm tired of all the cowardice. I'm tired of me.

I need a break. Hardcore.