My life.

Is entirly too hectic. Classes now, classes next semester. Living situation now, living situation later. Carla here, Carla not here later. I seriously have not talked, and I mean talked to that girl in such a long time. It went from hanging out on a regular basis, once, twice, sometimes 3 times a week, one-on-one with that girl to now I only see her at crew and barelt speak a word beyond hello/good-bye. Wtf? I happened across her today on my way to Costume Lab, she was waiting for her Psych test to be over since she took it the week before and was eating an apple. So I sat and talked with her, definitly not enough time. Apparently she's been meaning to pull me aside and talk to me privatly. Things I wasn't aware of are afoot, and things I suspected are going down. Ivy and Allie and I are not the only ones who've gotten the dirty end of the Crew stick, or in our case, oar. It makes me sad that what happened to me and Ivy last year is now happening to her as well.... but I saw it coming. Favorites are played, and considerations for egos are taken into account. On the other hand she's getting what I got last year after her long absence as well. What comes around goes around, I suppose, but I dont want anyone to have to deal with the things I dealt and continually deal with. Neither one of us can affor it, and if there was another starboard, you can bet that I'd be booted in an instance as well. I know I don't so the second workouts, and I keep losing weight (too bad this wasn't the case last year) and my knees are shot to hell and I can't even take my supplements anymore because there is shellfish in it. I get that. But I'm aslo always at practice on time or early ready to go hell or high water (or in our case, increadibly so low that the dock is resting on the rocks) and I give what I can, which isn't always what they demand, but it's the best I can do. And lets not forget all the races that I havn't been in, and all the driving I've done and the gifts I've made and the pictures I've taken and the boats i've rigged/de-rigged alone because I wasn't in any boat and therefore was excluded from any pre/post-race meeting. Oh,and don;t forget all the money I spent on plane tickets and gas and wear-and-tear and unis and sweats and water and food and baking and restaurants and keeping my fat yap closed no matter how ridiculusly hard it is becuase I know, and the last thing I need people doing is stating the obvious to me. I'm short. I'm light. I'm damaged. I have an attitude. And I can't help but think that if I had been given even the slightest chance of coxing for reals, or someone took my side and said ehat they believed instead of going with the group that I would have given those other two girls a run for their money if not beat them fair-and-square. But I dont speak up. I pretend it doenst bother me. I act like it's an expectation, and stick around for any slack they need picked up. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of their attitude. I'm tired of all the cowardice. I'm tired of me.

I need a break. Hardcore.