yay! i'm home alone for the night! Dad, mom and brother are in the desert for my uncles change of arms and I'm not! Why? I have a super-duper final tomorrow!!!!!! Yeah!(never, ever, EVER, thought i'd say i was happy to have a final, but i am.)

There has been general crappyness with me latly. I can't really figure out why. but I have. i was hangin' with my friends today.... mostly kenna, robin and shane, with alittle bit of neighbor matt. i was having fun.... but it didn't mean anything. it was really weird. i dont know how to describe it... like i've outgrown them? i dunno.. i dont think it's thats easy. but i just feel weird..... like the way i am isn't good enough for myself..... or something. I'm still very eh, but now I'm feeling the need to talk to people about stuff that matters, but i have such a communication barrier, it's really weird.

right now, i should be doing some very much needed work, but i am not. I'm bitchin' here. tryin' to get on aim to talk to anybody.... and i just want to be content again... like I was 3 months ago, right after i got over my not having the friends i needed. Or in middle school.... where i didn't feel so secluded.

I am very good at lots of things, but once I am, and I know it, I get cocky, and careless..... and then I'm not good at it ever again. I was so good driving yesterday.... and then I wasn't. It made me so angry.... It's like that with so many other things, water polo, drawing, violin, writing..........anything mostly. This scares me. I dont' want to be a bad driver. I want to be able to draw as a living. I love water polo and I have to be the best. I want to take up the violin again.. or maybe piano? But most of all I don't want to be a bad actor..... that would kill me. I'm trying so hard there........ and it seems to me i'm getting no where. It makes me wonder whats wrong with me? But then i know there's something wrong with everyone... and it makes me mad. I hate being in a large group...part of everybody else. I dont want to be like everybody else. I want to be me, but I want to be so much more. And it depreses me because for some reason i feel the last two years of my life have been wasted, and i dont really know why. i want to talk to someone... and i'm afraid if i dont do so soon i accidently tell the wrong person.