i have issues. yeehaw.

i want to tell people stuff.....really i do. but i just can't i dunnno why. WHY!?! i wanna know, so if you find out, please tell me. i would also like to do things. but it's like: "Hey I should talk to them...but i'm not gonna. oh well, they'll talk to me if they love me, eh." eh? thats how everything ends with me. "eh." wtf? there's something wronge with me. and other people will contact me if they love me? but i love them and i'm not doing a damn thing! oi...i need to resolve issues with someone. but i can't. i dont like to talk to people about stuff, and so nothing ever happens. i occasionally tell kenna stuff, but only when we run of of stuff to talk about about other peoples problems. it seems like I talk to everyone about everyone else problems. it's great, no body ever asks or, i guess they would have to to get anything out of me, PROD. but hey, i'm a loser. a text book loser. i try to write, or type, or anything to try and understand what i'm thinking and stuff, but it's like i'm speaking becky in my had and all of a sudden i'm forgotten how to speak it. why? i can't ever write properly. my writings suck. i can't do poems. i've been trying that latly, an the most successful one was about the phone. phone? geez... i'm lame. but it's mostly because i can't express myself. i can't finish stuff, ever. my enddings and conclusions are always open, and confusing, and you know i ment to write more. thats why my poems continue forever. infact, the only poems that actually finish are the ones i wrote in 4th and 5th grade for class, the one's i was forced to share with everyone else. I have a poetry journal coming up in english, and i was hoping to use some of my own material. but thats not likely to happen. my stuff is shit, man. but i dunno..

i think i might have finally figured out what my problem is, i dont what to be a burden to poeple. i expect them to open up to me, and tell me their problems, but i wont do the same in return. I'm like a puppy, i'm there to make you feel better when your mad or sad, or scared, but if it happens to me it's too bad, because nobody can make out my gibberish even if they wanted too. but i just read something a close friend of mione wrote...even though it was a while back, but it made me feel better. just to know i'm not the only one. but what makes me really sad is that i will never tell her....i want to, but theres my whole i dont tell people thing. i hate it!!!!! make it stop!T.T but eh......and there it is again!!!!! that "eh," or 'whatever" feeling i get! i hate it, kenna said paxel would make me better. she thinks i might have social phobia. yeehaw to that. i hate the way i do things, i need to go away for a month, then come back and start over. that would make me happy.