"This is Frustrating. I'm getting really frustrated."

That'll nevver get old. Strong Sad is the only one who truly understands me at the moment. Except I'm not that emo.

Anyways, I've had quite a short fuse this past week. Something I can't explina, because the only reasons I really have, have surfaced between last night at work and this night on the phone. Last night at work, Corla, one of my managers, was picking on me. Not teasing me about whatever in good fun, I can shake that crap off reletivly quick when I know that people dont mean it. But she was nit-p[icking every single little thing I did. I hate micromanagment. I know i'm guilty of it, I dont mean too, and am generally good about making it sound like I'm being sarcastic to mask the micro-ness of it all. And usually (as micro-managing she normally does) I'll say "I'm on it!" or "Way ahead of 'ya!" and she say something along the lines of "Rae-of course." or "Cool- thats awesome!" but last night it was just followed by more nit-picking and contradictory statments. I can pass the 1st half of the night off to me having extremly low blood-sugar, but the other half was all her.

Then I coxed this morning, was struggling a bit because I was unprepared, but nothing terrible. Again, the micromanagment. The "suggestions" on things that they knew, if not conciously then subconciously, that I knew. I also hate that. And with all the emotional baggage I've managed to pick up this year from crew, making me feel like I dont know what I know not only pisses me off but makes me second guess myself and generally feel terrible because I'm not as self-sufficent as I should and would like to be, even if I am more so. I've found myself back in coxswain/rower hell, and this time it's the other way around, because the novice see me as a rower and so do the varsity and the coxes, so as soon as I get myself a coxbox I'm under the microscope adn scrutinized and am told how to do what I know how to do and ignored by those who feel like I have no right being in the coxing seat. It hurts. And it's doubly painful when those who particularly know that it hurts, seem to feel like I'm just a passer-by, a seat filler. It sucks rather badly.

Then there was the conversation I had with my dad who I desperatly would have liked to have with my mom. Apparently, on my birthday, it's necessary for me to drive 1.5 hrs to and from San Diego (random note: I just got a call froma co-worker's "best friend in the world" who is in town for only a few days [i have no idea who it was, they never gave me their name] and really wanted me to come by to my co-workers place [who lives near me] to do whatever they were doing with them. What a conversation that was!!). Why is that a problem? Only that my driving leg is on super-hiatus. Thought it was getting better, but a wonderful erg peice the otherday totally ruined that little fantasy. I dont even have time to see a doctor, or for my mom's piece of mind an acupuncturist, because my time is gone. And I am lacking in sleep massively. But back to my dad, who felt it necessary to guilt me about what I decided to do on my birthday. "Your going to spend your birthday all alone?" (Apparently John doesn't count as a person anymore, or padre decided to ignore that fact that he was actually going to do something, or maybe he didn't hear me, or wasn't listening, probably a combo of the latter two) So what if I want to spend my birthday alone? It's my birthday. I can do as I damn well please. And if I decide that I am driving no father than 15min away and am going to take a relaxing break for the first time since this crazy semester of mine begun, thant I am damn well going too adn I dont need a freakin' guilt trip about it. He is more than welcome to make the 1.5 hr drive up here to see me on my birthday if he wants, otherwise he can deal with it.

What he doesn't seem to understand is my lack of time. He says he does, then he goes off on how I need to make time, but he understands that I can't. What the crap does that mean? I run in circles with that man, I swear. I even had a dream the other night where all I wanted the entire dream was to get away from him and he was following me and pissing me off the whole time.

What is boils down to it that I'm at a point where the best thing is just to let me vent for the sake of venting, and then let me figure out the rest on my own. People who are used to helping me and taking care of me are now just getting in the way and being a pain so they can feel important when they are just making it harder for me. I think sometimes the best thing for me now is to jsut be left alone so I can figure it out for myself. I know advice may be nice and helpful, but I am not in a receptive mood. Not now, not yestrday, not tomorrow, probably not until summer if ever. It sucks, but I need to know how to take care of myself. So just let me take care of myself. I may not do a good job, but who does? I do better than most.

Top it all off? I've been thinking really hard about the lecture my costume teacher gave about her job, which is what I want to do. There is so much more to it than I ever imagined, adn it's daunting and intimidating. And she spoke of passion, and that if you have passion for something then you will make it work somehow. And I'm just wondering if, when the time comes, am I going to be able to force myself to make that step? Or am I going to be waiting for those people I've relied on to make the step for me, which they cannot do, and therefore I miss my opportunity. I know I need help, but it's just coming from the wrong people.

I was honestly fine, up until I talked to John, where I guess all my pent up frustration just burst out into a bitch fest. I feel like Brentan or somethign. This turned out way more emo than I planned on. I think I understand this frustration a little better though. It's an uphill battle from here on, and I need this knee adn ankle adn leg to be able to push me up it.