mr. bland

that's how I feel now. I think an old friend is visiting today, and I havn't seen her since Pirates came out. At least I haven't noticed anyways. Most of the time I know exactly why she's here, I have a rought idea, but she shouldn't be causing me to feel this mundain and boring. But I guess it's not really mundain, more of lethargy and complacency. It's the one big thing I dont like about me, complacent. But when I'm not people hate me and I dont handle that well; at least not from certain people. She's probably just here to remind me that yes, I'm back at school, and yes, it's going to be the same as last time and yes, your really on your own and your not going to take advantage of it. I generally dislike her as a rule, but she keeps me thinking. Thinking aboutn life and about where I am in it. She causes unrest, and displacement and confusion andbewilderment, but I dont know what I'd do without her. Maybe one day I'll have to get seen because of her, but I'm trying my hardest not too. I dont want to be one of them, I want to be stronger than that. I'm a strong person, but sometimes I wonder if I'm tricking myself into thinking things like this. But then I wonder if I lie to myself, and if I do lie to myself how can I know what I trully feel or who I trully am? Then I wonder if I can trust my own judgement; it has failed me in the past; not often, but recent. Maybe I've lost my touch. Maybe it's because I'm losing all the magic from when I was young. I dont want to stop believeing, because when I do I know it wont ever happen. I dont know how to tell myself to believe when I cna't even belive in myself. I dont like answering that question counselours always ask, where will you be in 5, 10, 20 years? Not because I have a bad imaination, but because I canread reality too well and I really can see where I'll be in that time. And I'm afraid of who I'll be. That's why I run away. I can't handle that fact that that's what I'm going to be in 5 years or 10 or 20. And it's not what I'll be doing, it's how I will be acting. Sometimes, liek now, I wish I knew how to meditate so I could jus ttune everything out. I wish there was a wya to temporarily remove my self from being, just to get a break. I'm finally on my break, and it's not helping my situation before I came out here. I ndont want to go back to cold stone, I dont want to see a counselour, I dont want to go home I dont want to be here. I need to be seated at the bottom of a pool, or the ocean, or a lake or river or whatever. I need to be somewhere else. I wish she would leave, I dont want her company anymore, and I fear that other's company wouldn't drive her away either. And the only reason I wont tell my mom is because i know that's where her next visit would be, but she might decide to stay and send her sister. What am I doing, where am I going, why am I not there yet? Maybe she'll help me find some answers. We'll see. I hope she leaves tomorrow.

(I know that must be rather confusing; but do not fear. It was nothing for you to understand. But for who ever can guess the friend I'm talking about will receive a batch of their choice of cookies or a cake or other baked good. :)