Things Fall Apart

Robin and Shane.
Then Kenna and Chris.

The only logical conclusion is Rae and.... wait, there is in Rae and (name), hmm.

Why does everything fall to crap when I'm not around? I highky doubt that it actually does have anything to do with me, but it seems like when ever my presence is absent from a friends life things go retarded. It's interesting how I find out about these events. It's always from the males, and in a most indirect fashion(xanga, myspace). It makes me rethink my ties with my girls, or even if I can call them my girls. Now, I know I had a similar f-up back in 10th, when i failed to mention that Matt and i had made it official, but since then I've shaped up, instead of shipped out. Is that what my girls have done? Shipped out? I always admired them for their stamina, endurance, and the bite-the-bullet style approch to boys that they have had, and I know things can't last, adn I know that I'm not them adn I dont know 50% of whats going on, but it seems to me that good things are being given up. Things that, if talked about might be able to be resolved. Is it bad to see a marriage counselor before you tie the knot?

What will this summer be like? Fort the last 3, both of them have had some sort of attatchment, and now that they don't, who are we going to hang out with? The girls? Yeah, they're nice, but I honestly don't know if I'll be able to tolerate them like I could before senior year, which seems to be the year that everyone decided to play musical chairs with their personalities and left me out of the game.(I'm not going to bother delving into what that means to me and my social life.) I joking told RObin we should do double dates. Firstly, who are we going to date? Secondly, after 2, does 3 make a group date or a triple date? Do I even want to date with them? Not to say their taste in men is bad, but we're all on different comfort levels with the whole relationship thing. (Kenna and Robin may be fine with casual dating I, on the other hand, I don't think I could handle such wimsy and is possible why I've never had any "casual" relationships, or substantial ones for that matter.) I also don't do things, liek many other people. I dont have experience, and I don't have the confidence, and as of now I certainly don't have the desire.

I've been thinking alot latly how the way I used to be, before the boys and before the high school, and college and all manner of adulthood. It's the girls at crew who do it to me. To me, it's like watching a home video of me before I was a 10th grader. Does anyone remember when the word hyper was part of our daily vocabular? because it's certainly a word I'm am going to invoke with the same vigor Harry Potter uses with his spells, with the girls at crew. They remind me of lunch in middle school. Half Days. Dances. Home teachers. PE. Water Polo pre-high school. RC's after school. Kaluah Blasts and diving into my closet to dig out my old barbie's, throwing them at my friends in my room announcig their new, very slutty, names. When a belch was enough to send kenna and I laughing like a pair of cackling witches. When going to the beach and sitting on the lifeguard towers getting fiberglass rash after playing volleyball was acceptable as a birthday party. Do you remember when Kenna was the quiet one, and I the loud obnoxious and roudy one? Somebodies mother told my mom last month, that they were glad I had been friends with their daughter. Because of me, she said, her daughter stayed out of trouble. When my mom told me this, I said: "Kept out of trouble?" as far as I knew, she had had many bouts of trouble despite my constant enrollment in water polo and other sports, despite my constant summers with the junior lifeguards. Then I thought, if I kept her out of trouble, the things she surly would have done without me. Why, I'm never going to understand, didn't anything I ever do attract my friends? All my friends form teams were my friends only because we were on the same team for a long time, and my real friends never would even try to come and join one of my teams. Everyone eleses friends seemed to, but not mine. The only group that my friends and I were in together was Builders Clue, and then Drama. I joined those to be with my friends.

I'm told that I don't try hard enough to have my friends call me or invite to places and it's always been hard for me to not be depresses during summers because of lack of contact. I invited you. Tried to get you excited, but you wouldn't even try. You didn't even try. Did it ever occure to you that I have a problem calling you on the phone because of all the times I was turned down in person? Or because you always put down everything I did because you quater-assed it and almost-once-timed it and didn't like it because I wasn't there to kick your skinny ass into gear and make you like it.

I can already see the comments. "You can't blame your problems on..." and "It's unfair to say that it's all your friends fault." But I'm tired of taking all the blame and digging my sorry ass out of a whole that someone else loving made for me while the tried to save thri own ass. It's amazing that I'm not some kind of self-loathing drunk that wails suicide everytime someone looks at me from a weird angle.

Out of all this it's a wonder I don't have a boyfriend, or more male friends in general. It's never boys who give me greif. It was only one time, and I'm about amended with that one.