although I am used to it by now, it still stings

Well, I know no one reads this, but like it says in the title, I'm used to it. Like most other things, I dont seem to be included; and even though I've been told wny, the peices still don't sit together just right. I'm always the last one called, last one told, last one picked and last one befriended. The only place I've discovered that doesn't discriminate me, is my work. Although I am incredibly stressed during rec swim; for fear of a red shirt, or and actual ambulance worthy incident, during lessons; because I'm worried that I'm not teaching them very well or that the parents wont like me and complain, I still like being at work. At work I have my co-workers and they dont care that I'm timid or a nerd or socially challenged or what have you, because i am just Rae, Raymond, Ashley Rae. I'm thinking that college is going to be the change I've been waiting for since 4th grade. I used to move so much, and when i stopped I guess my ticker didn't get the memo. I have things I want desperatly to hold on to, but as of yet I havn't found any reason too. I've been searching for some way to want these things that I so need to be rid of. I let them beat me down, I let them have their way, and inside I'm cursing them, punching them and screaming at them that their being unreasonable, unrealistic and they need to get over their narcisistic selves; but mostly I'm shoveling sticks of dynimite down my throat only to discover that the line is to short. But the worst part is, is that I know I dont try that hard, and I can't figure out why. Why don't I just speak up? Why dont I just spill my guts? Why can't I just find someone who isn't a hypocrite and be just my friend, like I used to have. Everyone has someone like that, but somewhere along the way I lost mine and I dont know where to begin looking again. At least I'm on my way to a place where everyone will be like that.