ick

i have just had a very short and sudden period of yay, which has been promptly followed by ick. and when i write "ick" i mean just that, "ick." thats what i think of as i think of my life. I get nausious, and some-what nervous, and anxious, because i'm begining to see my life for what it really is. i am so tired of school, but everything i do is school related, friends, water polo, drama, etc. and i think i've mentioned this, but i've been maving some issues with certain peoples in the "friends" deparment. expecially those who are at a "ladies night" right now with out me, not that i mind that much. i mean, i was sort of invited, but giving a vauge description on tuesday for planes friday doesn't really help, expecially when one isn't reminded, but eh.

and i have relized that there is no one outside of school for me to hang out with unless it is a "function".(functioon= party, game, play, practice, school work related, and so forth). i have recently walked with the chrys to her home before mine, and stayed an hour or so watching movie clips and song clips, which is pretty awsome, but besifde that there is really nothing else for me to do after school except school work and the like. I have also come to the realization that, as prior I thought, I dont really mind much, if at all. i rather not spend my time with people who dont really like me anyways. why should i/ i'm better off with out them. there has been many a time in my life where i have been friendles, and i can do it again, although i prefer not to.

I've been looking to other people lately who normally i wouldn't for friendship, either because i dont like the other people I'm around, of i feel like I'm being the annoying one, or a burden, and I hate that. So I look to Chad, who is in two of my classes, Fred, with whome I've been very pen pal buddies online with for over a year and a half, i think. And even the ex-freshmen Jennifer, adn osometimes Nicole or Deanna, or Whitney. I've also been(or was) talking rather frequently on the phone with kevin, and he rocks. And Becky's been awsome and a half. But most of these people aren't really my true friends, truly. adn some how i dont give a fuck.

i've tried to become more that just a team mate to my water polo buddies, and slow that is begining to happen, but it's a long way before any of them ask me to go with them to a party, or to hang out at their house, but i dont blame them.

but I think waht bothers me the most is, with out all the social buddy-ness going on, I can't seem to do(or focus maybe?) more on my school work. And this is what drives me nuts. I want to be smart, I want to be the best, but it's like I'm me with some giant man pushing on my head with one fingure saying: "You can't get past me, go back to dumb english and math!!*evil laughter*" I was thinking about this a few minute ago, and i thought, "I'm gonna cry soon." but i didn't, and i didn't know why. Why wasn't i sad i hadn't any trully true friends any more? Because I didn't care, i dont care. I want high school to end right now so i can go to colledge and move on with me life. Figure out what i'm gonna do, an then do it. It is depressing, but i dont really care, it's deserved, but that doesn't really matter to me.

I dont know, maybe i need a boyfriend or something liek that, but i really dont think i do, and i know someone else who would agree with that too. Maybe i just need time to think, or to move away. Since i came up with the iea, probably when i was 13, i have always wanted to just drop what i was doing and go with with my cousins up in berkley, and go to Berkley High where everything doesn't suck. but there was always the leaving of the friends, but now thats really not a problem, because i think i would get over it rather fast. but now I haev an obligation to water polo and drama.... and everythings so complicated. i promised i wouldn't be so high school dramatic in high school, and although i'm not, all the drama is going on around me. maybe it's because i finally grew up, and everyone else hasn't so then we dont get along.

But there are a few goals that I've made for myself in life:
1. go to a four year colledge, and get a degree, or two
2. buy a house all by myselve with out financial support from anyone. and not just as condo like my parents, but like the house my aunt and uncle have in berkely.
3.become well know. not famous, per say, but in what every feild of work i choose, be a prominent successful competitor.
3. See the world, be cultured
4. and lastly, learn more than 3 languages.

And here are those I haev for the rest of high School:
1. Learn to play the violin or piano or both
2. get a 5 on the Ap spanish exam
3. Get a four on the p Eng and Ap Us. Hist. exam
4. get a 4.0 without cheating(using AP classes)
5. get an "A" in each class.
6. finish designing my room

these are the few misely things i wish to acomplish. nfortunatly, i know most if not all will not happen. but i have my hope, and thats pretty much all i have, becuase my dad is crazy, my brothers a jackass, my mom droped out of high school, my cousins are in berkly, and i am hated b the universe. and again, "there has been much doom."-The Chrys